Harry's Epiphany
by Straggletag
Summary: set during Half Blood Prince, Harry realises what is important and what is not. Dramatic and tense.
1. Chapter 1

Dumbledore steepled his fingers and peered at Harry over his half-moon spectacles.

"Now Harry," he said in a know-it-all voice, "You must help me to find the rest of the horcruxes. One is located in a cave at the side of a cliff, you must come with me now. I cannot do it alone."

Harry rolled his eyes and held up his hand, palm flat, to stop the old coot's words.

"Yo, old fogey! I'M SO OVER BEING YOUR SLAAAVVE! I have a life to live you know! IT'S MY LIFE! MINE!"

Dumbledore looked shocked. "But Harry? What about Voldemort?"

"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!" Harry took out some concealer and rubbed a liberal amount over the tell-tale scar on his forehead. "AS OF RIGHT NOW I AM NO LONGER YOUR BITCH. I AM NO LONGER HARRY POTTER." he took some black kohl and outlined his eyes. Then he smashed his glasses and put in some cats-eye contacts. "IF YOU WANT TO STOP VOLDEMORT THEN DO IT YOUR OWN DAMN SELF! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S THE MOST POWERFUL WIZARD EVER! I HAVE MY OWN PROBLEMS. TTYL!"

He stood and ripped his robes away to reveal a black leather biker outfit (he had raided his dead godfather's wardrobe). "OH YEAH!" he screamed. "I DON'T WANT TO TAKE FUCKING POTIONS ANYMORE!" he threw his potions textbook, which contained the notes of the Half Blood Prince, at Dumbledore's head. Then, after smashing a couple of Dumbledore's glass animal figurines for good measure, he stormed out of the office.

...

Draco Malfoy looked into the mirror in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and tried to stop the tears that slithered down his face like liquid snakes. The dark mark on his arm burned like the venom of a snake and his shoes were imported from Spain, made from the finest snake-skin.

He _couldn't _kill Dumbledore! It was _wrong!_ But Voldemort was going to kill his parents! And he _had_ to! But he didn't _want_ to!

Noisily, Draco blew his snotty nose into a tissue and tried to ignore Myrtle, who was throwing 'come-hither' glances his way.

Then, out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Harry Potter lurking near the doorway. Malfoy tried to say something insulting, but his sobs got in the way of the words. Why was Potter dressed like a bad-ass biker?

Harry had been about to inquire after Malfoy's health, but then he remembered that he really didn't give a flying crap and so he left.

...

Later, when Harry was chilling in the Gryffindor common room, listening to some MCR and AFI and PANIC! At the Disco, Hermione burst in. Her eyes were red, like she had been crying, and she was carrying her diary on the cover of which she had written 'Lavender is a fugly slut'.

"Oh Harry," she whinged, "Ron's snogging Lavender outside the door to the library. How can I study if they do that _there?_ I don't understand him…I thought he…"

Harry jumped to his feet and took out some gel, which he used to slick his hair into a long, sexy, emo fringe.

"DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A SHIT?" he asked. "WAH WAH RON'S IGNORING ME AND SUCKING FACE WITH LAVENDER! WAAAAAH! WELL, GUESS WHAT HERMIONE? MY PARENTS DIED! THEY DIED!"

Hermione gaped at him.

"AND ALSO," Harry continued, "YOU'RE REALLY ANNOYING!"

He stomped out of the room.

...

A couple of weeks later, Harry noticed that everyone was gathered in the courtyard, sobbing and staring at something. He wandered over and shoved some random idiots out of the way.

"What the hell?" he asked, looking at Dumbledore's lifeless body, "Finally croaked it did he?" Thank God! No more 'please Harry, seduce Slughorn for me' or 'please Harry, fight Voldemort to the death'.

"No Harry," Hermione looked like crap. "Snape Killed him!"

"Awesome!" Harry looked around for someone to high-five. Alas, all the Slytherins had already left to get some Butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks.

"We can't come back next year," Ron said gravely, "We have to finish his work. We have to find the other Horcuxes."

Harry developed acne, "NO WAY BOTHERING ME!"

Then, because he didn't give a shit, he jumped over the castle walls and onto Buckbeak's back. Then, together, they flew to America to attend high school there.


	2. Chapter 2

Harry didn't make it to America. Ron, riding on a broomstick, stopped him in midair.

"Harry, mate," he pleaded, "Please don't do this. You're the only one who can stop Voldemort."

Harry took out a bag of black liquorice and began to suck on it, loving the way it turned his tongue an intriguing navy-black. "I DON'T CARE!" he bellowed, "VOLDEMORT SUCKS AND SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE, ESPECIALLY REMUS LUPIN! I WANT TO BE FREE! I'M NO LONGER A BOY BUT I AM NOT YET A MAN! DON'T YOU SEE THAT ALL I NEED IS TIME, A MOMENT THAT IS MINE, WHILE I'M IN BETWEEN!"

Professor McGonagall zoomed over to them on her flying Zimmer frame. "Potter!" she cried, aghast. "How can you say such things? Don't you care about the future of the wizarding world?"

"LOOK OLD BAT," Harry roared, lighting a menthol cigarette and blasting the smoke in her face. "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!"

McGonagall sighed and took out her wand, blasting Harry with a stunning spell. Then she leashed Buckbeak to her Zimmer and flew him back down to the castle, where she left him in Madam Pomfrey's care.

...

Ginny Weasley sat by her boyfriend's bed, wondering why his skin had become so pale, and why mysterious dark hollows had appeared under his eyes.

"Oh, Harry," she whispered sadly.

"What's up, Babe?" Harry asked, waking up. Then, looking around, he realised where he was. "OH NO!" he screamed. "I HATE MY LIFE!"

...

Remus Lupin arrived at Hogwarts and rushed up to the medical wing. He had just heard about Harry's strange behaviour and he was worried.

"Harry," he pleaded as he came upon the slender, malnourished, yet sexy, form of his dead friend's son, "Please, you must defeat Voldemort, it's the prophecy. I know it's asking a lot but please think about my unborn children. How can you allow them to be born into a world where darkness rules?"

Harry, who had been updating his twitter, applied some black man-lipstick and spat in the stupid furry's face.

"I DON'T CARE!" he screamed so loud that the windows smashed in a beautiful rain of sharp, deadly glass. WHY DON'T YOU KILL HIM YOU MONKEYBONES MORLOCK? DO IT YOUR OWN FUCKING SELF! I DON'T COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE AND DEMAND SHIT LIKE 'OH REMUS PLEASE GO AND BUY ME A COKE, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO IT. DO IT NOW.' DO I? NO I DON'T. JERK.

Remus ran away and Harry went back to his tweeting:

LORDPOTTER:

YOU ARE SOO DUMB HER-HEINY! LOLZ AM GONNA DO SUMTIN WICKED U'LL SEE. U'LL ALL B SRY U EVA ASKED ME 4 A FAVOUR. PEACE OUT!


End file.
